#TuesdayThoughts

Today my heart feels heavy. I am struggling with my thoughts and emotions. It feels as if I am expected to save the world. Not the WHOLE world, but the world of the people close to me. They have expectations. And the thing is, I DO want to be able to save their world. But I feel that I cannot. It tears me apart. Wanting to help, but not being able to do so short of destroying myself. Short of giving up MY shot at life.

The thing is that when you expect others to do something for you, you have unrealistic expectations a lot of the time. You have blinders on, and all you can see is yourself. Your life and how others need to make it better. You do not care how it affects others. You do not care how that destroys them. What others must sacrifice in order to bring order to YOUR world. All you care about is YOU.

Not only is this unjust, but it also is unrealistic.

YOU are the only one who can save yourself.
YOU need to want to make your life better.

You cannot be selfish when YOU are the one in need.

Normally, if you were me, I would tell you to disregard that person/ people and move on with your life. But in this instance, I cannot follow that advice. It is family. I was taught that family was sacred. That you cannot give up on them. That you need to help one another.

…

“I thought if we made an album that tried to change the world, or give it hope, it would really happen. But all people found was death and destruction and misery and self-hate. I learned that the world doesn’t want to be saved, and it will f**king punch you in the face if you try.” ― Gerard Way

Do you have any advice?

Were you ever in a similar situation?

What are YOU thinking about today?

Stay golden,

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41 thoughts on “#TuesdayThoughts”

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  3. I really can’t give advice on that- only letting you know that I deeply symphatize. I got advised to disregard especially one person of my family.. but since I also believe in Karma and I don’t want to be completely cut off myself.. I’ve never brought it over me to do so…

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  4. Well i must say that leaving with my parents , put me in a very similar position . And i think that being in a bad relationship with my dad is due to his expectations from me. And since he knows that I’m not much of a help to him (for many reasons) I’m very often rebuked.
    So …. the feeling of unusefullness and deception is quite common to me.
    The only thing you can do is to accept your capabilities and don’t pretend to be able to help everyone.
    The intention is far more important than actions sometimes

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  5. There’s a very fine line between helping someone help them self and enabling.
    You can’t work with them if they aren’t meeting you at least half way.
    Sometimes tough love is the only love that will help. Test them. See if they are willing to help themselves it if they’re expecting you to do all the work. If they want to work with your suggestions that’s wonderful but if they’re expecting you to set their life right then they’re not truly looking for help, just an easier life.
    Always help, never enable.
    You don’t save a drowning man by letting him stand on your head

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  6. Floatinggold,
    I can totally relate to this post. I often feel the same way in regards to my young adult children, their wellbeing/needs and my own. You are right…we can’t walk away. Family IS sacred. But how do we balance both our own self care and the needs of loved ones? In these life situations I really try to ask myself “What is most needed now?” both asking the question for them and for me. Mindfulness helps me by focusing on THIS moment and not spinning out on the fears/concerns/ideas in my head about the future. It doesn’t solve any immediate issue, but it helps me calm myself and feel less anxious. We can only control what is in THIS present moment. Everything else is either future concern or past and already done. I offer you this mantra “I am surrounded my strength, Guided my love and I am fulfilled by Peace”. Breathe and believe you will endure this and that it will all work out as it is meant to. Huggs

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  7. This is such a difficult situation to deal with. One of the many reasons I love reading your posts is because it has so much depth and it is so real. Also, another thing I find is that it is hard to help people when you know that they wouldn’t do the same if the situations were reversed. I heard this recently from a yoga instructor which resonated with me – “find your center of goodness.” And if you wanted to help, you may have to do so without expecting anything in return and think of it as a gift? I have done that and let it go (which isn’t easy). Sending out positive vibes! XX

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    1. Wow, what an immense complement. Thank you.

      Yes, I have to say that I usually do not expect anything in return when I help , because if I did, it would just leave me bitter most of the time. If I want to help, then I do, and that’s that. No reciprocity needed. But it gets difficult when the help is not easy to give and it isn’t graciously accepted. Thanks for your support.

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  8. Oy! Family. We all have one in some form or another. It’s hard to give advice on how to function within them when each is so different. The way I look at it is this. I can’t be of any use to anyone that doesn’t want help, or asks for help but then disregards it. We are only responsible for our own actions. Empathy is fine, prayers always helps, but destroying yourself doesn’t do anyone any good. It’s a waste of resources. I don’t Know if any of this will be helpful but know that you’re not alone. Families are a pain in be neck, but I wouldn’t trade mine for anything. Hope your heart is lightened soon.

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  9. Yea family is important and they have expectations
    What i will advice is do your best and dont regret anything i dont know what your into or your problem but if you give your 100 percent and not lose yourself then you done well

    I have been in these situations where you have to do things for others you have to kill a part of yourseld to make the other at ease

    Last what i have been thinking you asked ?
    Well i did something today listened to my heart actually I and my family cousins don’ t go well we had fights and they hurt me at certain times maybe we dont have much in common so we stopped talking after my grandma death I forgot everything and put my hand out first to friendship and talking recently I asked one of my cousin to add me in the family group well they did and welcomed me but my father was a bit worried he dont want us to fight or say something bad lol well i too have that fear where you hurt the other etc so i was anxious today too

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          1. Always welcome may I know your name Please 😁 if not then sopie will be your name ( just kidding) i heard of sopie robot and its freaking all in my mind

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  10. I feel your struggle, I really do. I would tell you about my day yesterday in relation, but then I realize that it’s many days. I also realize it’s not just my family. I’m one of those hard working types that gets easily overwhelmed with tasks when I don’t say “No” enough for my sanity.
    Oh, the -outrage- when you use that word! It feels so selfish of them, like they don’t care that you’re drained or already overwhelmed.
    It’s really hard, but I found I simply had to state my position, and stand my position. If those close to you expect you to continue giving and supporting, if they truly care about you, then they should respect your need for good mental health. Whether that means more distance, time to yourself, activities to indulge in, time with other people, a spa day…Maybe it even means a major life adjustment or audacious change in the way of relating. Honestly, I try to avoid thinking back to my marriage, but in the wake of everything I feel like we could have held it together if she had just cleared the air about her needs. I feel like it would have still been difficult to accommodate those needs in conjunction with a marriage, but it would have been far better than what became of us.
    Self preservation is necessary. Our last counselor would often tell me to remember to put my own oxygen mask on first. Good call, I say.

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    1. I really like the oxygen mask analogy. I fly a bit, so that was perfect. For some reason though, I feel like a “bad” person at times. As if I’m selfish. But I KNOW I am not. They are.

      Overthinking is my weakest and strongest point. I understand all points of view. I know where they are coming from and I feel for them. But it often feels that I’m the only one who can assess situations in such a way.

      It’s particularly interesting when someone insists that their mental health is a lot worse than yours, so you should be able to pile on some more bs, they can’t…

      You’re right, we’re just going to have to lay it all out. No holding back. And we shall see what happens then.

      Thanks for reading, relating and sharing your thoughts.

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  11. Hi. I have been in a similar situation. Decisions were the hardest, But I did walk away from the situation or I would have been knocked down again and again( being the bad person). The other people that were involved. Ended up taking care of them selves and they are doing fantastic now. Very proud of them. I do look on them time to time. I wish I could say more to help you.

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  12. What happened did you lose your Wonder woman cape? Do you want to borrow mine? Just kidding. I know how you feel. Family, in my case it seems like adult kids and parents, can really expect too much. It’s been difficult but I have learned where to draw the line. I can usually offer a shoulder to cry on, advice or counseling, or sometimes a hand to hold. But I can’t make their decisions or live their life. Sometimes it comes to a point where we have done enough. If we go ahead and fix everything we may be hindering their growth or taking away their independence. Learning to say “no” (and mean it) is hard but necessary.

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  13. Pingback: The end of 2018. On my terms. 2nd edition. – One day at a time…

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