When I started blogging a bit more than a year ago, I did not think that blogging would be as personal as it has become. In fact, I thought it would have nothing to do with me. Yes, it would involve my opinions, but it would mainly focus on facts (news), prompting various “not always easy” discussions. When I think about what my intentions were, I realize that I had a very sterile image of an environment of people debating very objectively and sharing their opinions and views respectfully. I can talk about anything whether I feel passionate about it a whole lot, or a bit less. It would not really be personal.
Then came the CW (Creative Writing) series. Again, I thought it would be a very clean method of fiction writing. I would write it. People would read it and critique it. Again, something simple. Something I would be somewhat detached from.
I am not sure what made me imagine those things, but I thought I would be in a glass room, with a tiny mail box. When I would write something, I would put it in that box (blog), it would be then taken and distributed (Reader), then read, and some comments would be delivered back to my mailbox. That would be it. It was supposed to be a noncommittal back and forth. Blogging did not appear to be just another social media site to me. In fact, I was thrown for a loop when I realized how social it is.
Soon enough, I found out that my glass box was not working. It was too sterile. No interactions. No followers, no comments, no likes. What was the point of writing if no one was reading it? So I peeked through the mail slot, and saw a bustling world. That surely was not for me. That is when I realized for the first time that blogging is much like real life. I was not very keen on going out to the world. Staying in my room/ glass box was far more convenient. But then, someone waived at me. I made sure it was not at someone else. They even walked towards me, and so I slammed that mail box right back up. But by then, I got a little taste of what could be.
My glass box, which was previously a one-way mirror was transfigured into a regular glass box, and I was able to knock on it to get other people’s attention, and they would come closer, and waive, and we would communicate. It was still through glass, but I felt like we made connections.
Let us get real. There are people out there (maybe even you?), who lie about their identity. People who lie about their lives. I do not judge, because I understand it. I understand the appeal of being something you are not. Of trying to portray yourself in a certain way. Now, I do not like lying on here myself. Yes, I do keep some things vague, but I do not flat out lie. This made me wonder. Why do I not lie, if what I am doing here is trying to create a better world than my real life (No, I’m not delusional. I do not mean it literary.) A world that is more… perfect? What is such world? It is a world in which I feel understood. That is why I blog, and why I do not lie. I like myself, so I do not want to create this blogging persona/ life that would be the “dream” version of me. I AM just me. However, through blogging, I was hoping to express myself and have people understand the core of me.
Because of all that, I stepped outside of that glass box. At first, I enjoyed the wind on my face, and the sun shining directly at me. There were a few times during which it slightly rained on me, but I am not made out of sugar, so I survived. However, recently, I started feeling that I should retreat to that glass box, and turn the lights off.
To my surprise, blogging turned out to be just like real life. As I realized that, I laughed at my own silliness. I am not sure what I was expecting. The blogging world comprises of real people. People whom you interact with. People who still judge and make assumptions. People who are fake. People who live to please. People who want to avoid conflict at all cost. People who disagree with you, but will quietly back out of your blog so as not to upset you. People who get angry at you when you point out their shortcomings. People who are all about “me, me, me”. People who will complement you just to be nice, or in hopes that you will complement them back. People who ghost you. People who will find a new friend the minute they are bored with you. People who will commit blunders, but never admit to them, and/ or apologize. People who do not read your stuff, but will not admit it. People who will do anything for attention – post solely dramatic things, just to get people to comment nice things. One day they are leaving blogging, the next day they are coming back, only to follow it by a “I do not know what to do post”, followed by “I am back. Missed me?”. Do we not have enough drama in our “real life”? Or am I just too robotic to understand?
What I am trying to say is that blogging is VERY personal. You pour your heart out (whether you intend to, or not). You form bonds with people. It makes you feel alive. But then, once that dream comes crashing down, you realize that it is not just a bad dream. You really hurt. You get disappointed. You realize that these people are the same specie as those you are surrounded by in the real world. You realize that nothing changes. You are still misunderstood. You are still the same John/ Jane Doe as you are in the real world. No matter how ideal you tried to make the virtual world. It makes you think if you really are misunderstood, or are you the one who is “off”?
This post might come across as a bit depressing, or maybe whiny. That is not my intention, though. I just wanted to express my observations. As I started blogging last year, I did not want to be one of those “I ate this for breakfast” kind of bloggers. Not that I condemn you, but it just is not for me. I wanted to do “more”. Whatever that was supposed to mean.
If nothing else, what I want YOU to know is that I AM approachable. Maybe it does not seem like it to you, but I really am. I am a reasonable person. I welcome conversations. And most of all, I appreciate honesty.
In the end, if you’re being true to yourself, blogging will catch up with you. It will make you realize that you are just as alone as you were when you first started your journey.
Did blogging catch up with you yet?
Is blogging an escape for you, or just a new prison?
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