NROP: ‘Til Death Do Us Part. Wedding – a celebration of…

… love.

Or so I thought.

Be sure to tell me what the institution of marriage stands for nowadays. What is the point?

Why do I ask such a loaded question on a Monday morning? It is because I read an article about a woman who married her best friend. Innocent enough. That is how things should be. Right? Sure. Maybe.

Her groom was no ordinary man, though. His golden hair danced in the wind as he trotted towards his bride. Since he could not wait to be with her, he used all of his four legs to get to her.

You might have guessed it by now. A woman married her rescue dog – a golden retriever. Why would she do that? Apparently, the lady who is 43 years old got sick and tired of traditional males and called it quits after 221 bad dates. A dog was a way better option for her.

The dog is 6 years old, so they paired well in terms of age – they are at about their half-way mark in life. They will be able to grow old together. But if every human year is like seven for a dog and a dog’s life span is normally much shorter than that of a human… which one of them will be widowed? Or will all this even itself out?

Do not worry. Marriage between a human and a dog has no legal grounds in the UK, where this took place, which means they can totally go off and marry other people/ dogs. How many husbands/ wives will they have next year? The article did not mention anything regarding their preferences regarding monogamy and open relationships.

Instead of “to love and to cherish, till death do us part”, the bride vowed: “All that I have in my doggy treat cupboard I promise to give to you”. First of all, how does she think her new husband feels about a “doggy” cupboard. Should they not do the whole “what is mine is now yours”? Or is it because they decided to keep their bank accounts separate? Second of all, how does the dog feel about treat shortage? What if she forgets to restock the cupboard? At what point is the dog allowed to go out and get a snack on his own? Or will that be considered cheating and be grounds for divorce? Lastly, did she maybe say that because she has a cupboard full of snacks and is trying to feed him all of it until he gets fat, unable to move and will never leave her?

The lucky couple has known each other for a year. (Seven in doggy years.) I am not sure who was the one to propose to the other, but since the retriever was rather quiet during the whole ceremony (you can see a clip if you follow the link provided at the beginning of this post), I would assume it was the woman who decided to disregard the traditional “man asks woman” way of things.

My heart almost stopped when I read that during the four years of the dog’s life, he was beaten and locked in a cupboard. Why would she mention the word “cupboard” in her vows then? Is she not aware of his PTSD? Or is she a psychopath and enjoys torturing him openly. Maybe she enjoys the thrill of doing so without anyone realizing what she is doing.

And how are we sure that is what the dog wanted? Have they gone to the vet and gotten a notarized translation? Maybe this is totally against his will? And are we alright with child grooms? I bet there would be an outrage if a 43 year-old-man married a 6-year-old girl.

Am I just raining on their parade?

The news of a woman marrying a dog shook me up a little. It seems like she did so because she could not find a more suitable mate among humans. Aside from the fact that the whole thing is outrageous, it also made me think about marriage in general.

In today’s world, we are told that virginity is a social construct and that there is no point in marriage. Women should not be tied down. Marriage means abusive and ungrateful husbands, bratty children, cooking and cleaning and no chance for a career. If that is the case, why are people so desperate to get married to anyone and anything? If it is alright to be single and just do your thing, why is sologamy a thing?

I have not heard that word until I read about the woman and the dog. Sologamy is the term used to define marriage to yourself. Yes, you still need someone to officiate the wedding, but you can “get married” to yourself if you would like. Do you have to wear half of a white dress and half of a tux? How do you decide which half will be the bottom, and which will be the top? And again, if you sleep with someone else, are you cheating on yourself? Is it cheating if the other person (you) knows that you are having intercourse with other people than yourself?

An Italian woman married herself two years ago because she vowed to do so if she did not find a male, human husband by the time she was 40. Her time ran out after her long-term relationship fell apart. The wedding was meant to show that you have to love yourself first (fair enough) and that anyone deserves a fairy tale. I thought we no longer wanted our kids to read about helpless Disney princesses and princes on white horses?

The bride did mention that if the right man came around, she might marry him (without having to divorce herself, because the initial union was non-binding). Then, what does your marriage to yourself prove? If you are trying to convince yourself that you are alright being alone by throwing a wedding, chances are you are NOT alright.

You might have heard about the Japanese guy who married a hologram.

A dog, self, a hologram, what else?

How about a wall?

What?

Yes, supposedly, a woman back in 1979 married the Berlin Wall. Once the Wall died (i.e. fell), she formed a union with a fence. She must like things to be hard at all times. There was also a woman who got married to the Eiffel Tower, but she had to walk away when a documentary entitled “Married to the Eiffel Tower” made her aware of her groom’s other marriage.

It looks like people are getting married to all sorts of things. Does it prove that marriage IS important? Or is it just mockery to highlight that marriage is a joke?

Stay golden,

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