HW: #TuesdayThoughts; How to have the upper hand in relationships.

Have you ever met someone who came off as rude to you? Have you ever thought: “What a b!tch/an as$hole?” I certainly have. In those moments, I wondered why those people did not care about making a great first impression. Even though caring about what others think about me is not on the forefront of my thoughts, I put on my best face when I meet someone for the first time.

There usually is no bad blood when you encounter someone you have never met before. You might know something about them from others, but that is not always the case. Plus, do you not need to see for yourself to believe what others have told you about that person? I think so. To me, if there is no history between us, there is no reason for me to treat you in a bad way. Unlike some, I take a while to open up, but you can count on me being polite and attentive. At least until you give me a reason to change that.

Regardless of your ethnic background, social status, or religious views, I will treat you with kindness and respect from the moment we meet. You are a human being just like me and you deserve your dignity to be upheld. However, make no mistakes, I will change my tune the moment I sense you are not level with me. Although being nice is easy and I would truly prefer to stay in that state always and forever, I am quite skilled at being mean when need be.

Whenever I meet someone and they are not on the same page as me, meaning they appear to be less than polite and kind, I assume that they are either having a bad day or just are not good people. In order to see which category a certain individual falls into, I dive into further conversation with them and take the time to listen and observe. Often times their demeanor will change. Maybe it is because of the way I act that makes them calm down? Those who remain negative throughout my “2nd chance interview,” are dropped into the “not nice people” category and I move on.

It is said that people mistake kindness for weakness. I see that every day and it boggles my mind. In a world in which we talk about mental health, suicides, and being kind, we insist on taking advantage of people who are simply trying to make this world a better place? What is your excuse for doing that?

While I do not abuse other people’s kindness, I used to wonder why people insist on displaying it, even if in the face of adversity. After having lost someone close to me who was so kind, I see it now. The light that beamed from their actions and touched others was amazing. It is something I aspire towards.

Only recently have I learned about a new reason as to why some people come off as rude when you first meet them. Someone told me that they always walk into a situation acting as a b!tch/an as$ in order to show they are in control. That really opened my eyes. Suddenly, all the situations that flabbergasted me in the past made sense. They were not having a bad day. These people were trying to make sure that they were higher than me on the control ladder. Sometimes it worked out for them, sometimes it did not.

It is not rare that I feel like a fish out of water when interacting with others. It is like we are speaking a different language. When confronted with a rude person, I do not capitulate. I challenge them when possible. I have none of their attitude. At other times, I walk away, choosing to have nothing to do with them. So how is it that the control tactic works on others, and that being nice is abused?

The person who told me about their control tactic said that people normally fall in line when confronted with a b!tch/an as$, making it for smooth sailing. However, they said that when you are nice, you will always have people trying to disrespect you and walk all over you, which in turn starts a never-ending fight to determine who is boss.

That truly made me sad. Would I like to be in control? Yes. Do I refuse to treat others like dirt for no reason? Yes. Looks like I am at an impasse.

What is you communication style? Do you start off nicely or not, preferring to exert your control early on? What is your reasoning for that?

Stay golden,

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41 thoughts on “HW: #TuesdayThoughts; How to have the upper hand in relationships.

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  1. I do think for these questions we can distinguish between planned and unplanned meetings of new people.
    When the maintenance people knocked on my door AGAIN on Monday morning after AGAIN not being informed, I was trying to be polite, because it was not their fault. But they could definitely see that I was far from pleased with their visit.
    I am sure they thought I was not the most pleasant person out there.
    Would I have met them in a different situation, I would have been more warm towards them.

    If a manager announces (and I STRONGLY recommend managers to announce) the arrival of a new employee, I will definitely prepare for a warm welcome.
    The can figure out later what a shithole the workplace actually is.

    In general I’d say I have no reason nor energy to not be friendly.
    And if it turns out they are not my type of people, we don’t have to become best friends either.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I didn’t think about making a distinction, but you are onto something. If someone comes by my work to introduce someone without a warning, I can get slightly irritated, depending on what I’m doing.

      I’m not surprised you weren’t too warm to the maintenance people. That whole story is ridiculous. I would probably make a comment to them about your landlord so that they know your irritation is directed at him and not them.

      Like

  2. Those that seek control by intimidation are dangerous, but the ones that seek control by manipulation are worse. They pretend to be nice and then use persuasive words to cause you to acknowledge their superiority. That gets my dander up. You don’t know the person is an as shole until much later in the relationship.

    It’s a kind of passive-aggressive type of behavior more common in women than in men. They seem nice but then they give you “the look.” You know the one! It says, “Are you really that naïve that you can’t see how stupid you just were?” or “You didn’t just say that stupid thing in public did you?” It’s disapproving and denigrating. It’s the dismissive laugh. It’s the attitude that they’re just embarrassing you in public for your own edification, for your own good.

    I got that treatment a number of times, and I wanted to strike back multiple times. There was this one woman who was particularly nice and everyone liked. She was helping her daughter set up a daycare. I offered my expertise as a financial person. She gave me that smile and said, “Oh, I’ll leave that to the professionals.” “Oh? So do you have a lawyer to help you get this set up as an LLC? Are you wanting to be a Silent Partner in the business? Is this going to be a Pass-through entity or are you going to offer stock? Do you have a title in the business? Are you taking an active role? How about your business insurance? Is it a mutual policy so if someone leaves the others can buy out their shares or does that happen only if one of the partners dies?” That shut her up. So, yes, I play trumpet and percussion and French Horn in the community band, but I am a licensed professional in finance. Strangely enough, she didn’t take me up on my offer to help with the financial aspects of the business.

    Then there was the music teacher that “befriended” me. He seemed nice and was willing to help beginning teachers. He said something to one that irked me. “Well, you have to make sure that you motivate the students in the band. Wear a different tie every day. Make music fun.” She said, “I don’t wear a tie, and I already have problems gaining their respect because I’m female.” He said with a smirk, “Well you’re also a rookie. You’ll get more respect with time.” About then, I stepped in. “What does what she’s wearing have to do with the respect she’s given?” I asked innocently. “Well, it’s all about keeping the kids’ interest isn’t it.” Then I got mad. “So if I wear a clown suit, that will keep their interest on the person at the front of the room?” I laughed. The he gave ME that smirk. “Take it from me. I have 20 years teaching experience and most often the lack of respect is due to the fact that you don’t keep the kids’ interest on person on the podium with the baton.” I was flabbergasted. So I returned the look. “20 years? Is that all? I’ve been teaching for 50. I was teaching when you were no more than a twinkle in your parents’ eyes. You have to establish your expertise and get the respect of the administration and the parents first.” Now the young lady that was being counselled directed her questions to me instead.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It might be a gift, but I usually see through those facades. But I agree with you. I hate fake people, no matter their reasoning.

      Regarding the example of the woman helping set up daycare. You say everyone liked her, but it sounds like you saw right through her quite quickly. Why do you think that others did not?

      Respect… I often feel like it’s given to the wrong people and not to the right ones. And for the wrong reasons. Your example illustrates perfectly. People have different prejudices that make them withhold the respect they are to give out. It’s absolutely appalling the way they make their decisions.

      Like

  3. You’re a good person. I’m weird sometimes when I meet someone new. When I meet someone new I’m always polite, friendly and somewhat engaging. But, I’m still guarded and stand-offish. Once I get to know the person the layers start to come off and I let letting pieces of who I am go. There’s always a gauge though, which is contingent on how close to me they become.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Regardless of knowing a person or not knowing. Always be polite, even to a rude person, because it is a reflection of you. I believe I should always be at my best all the time. At times I do fail and feel awful.

    I believe each time we demonstrate good behaviour then we indirectly influence people to be good

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve never even thought of wanting control in a conversation. My communication styles change depending on the energy I pick up from the other person. When out and about If I can tell someone’s in a foul mood, I make very little eye contact and act like I’m not interested in talking to them anymore, or if someone seems like they are “out of it” I start cracking silly jokes to see how long it takes them to notice. When at my retail job, I have a “robot” mode I switch on if a customer is being bitchy. It involves lots of eye contact and a fake smile and voice, I find it rather amusing. Long story short, it depends on the setting for me.
    Rarely do I feel taken advantage of in a conversation.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’m always polite when I meet someone new. I’m always nice if people don’t bother me. But if someone is rude to me I wouldn’t want to interact with them anymore. I always treat others with respect, and I have very low tolerance for disrespect and rudeness.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Despite all the pros and cons, I prefer to be a nice person when encountering new people. If I don’t feel any chemistry, then I would be more neutral and distant, but never rude. For me, being in control doesn’t equal to behave with a kind of superiority over other people. It’s not how I perceive building a good first impression and good relationships. I expect something. And I want to feel good about the way I act.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My formula is simple, I usually try to give out the energy I would expect back, if professional courtesy is required, professional courtesy is given, if silence is needed, unnecessary words will not disturb the words….
    Apparently I am easy to get along with if you will believe the things some people say I seem to have things figured out
    I think they just mistake my silence for deep thought 😂😂
    ~B

    Liked by 1 person

      1. hmmm caressing beard in thought seems like what an evil genius would do while plotting evil shenanigans, if I do it, its not consciously actually wait I do it when I am pretenting to ponder over something like I have been asked something whose answer I must seem to weigh gravely hahahahaha then one stares into the distance with a faraway look and seeminly absent-mindedly pondering the intricacies involved…
        But yeah some body language cues could help like for example leaning towards whoever is speaking nodding head in support and encouragement or a couple of encouraging grunts and some head shaking at appropriate moments to show empathy at the incredulousness of it all.
        ~B

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I try to understand people, so I ask a lot of questions and observe a bunch. I’m a chronic helper/teacher and am always on the lookout for how I can fix a problem or make something easier for others. As a result, I come across bossy/authoritative. I’m sure some consider me bitchy or rude, but that’s almost never how I mean to come across.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone intentionally not nice. I know that I’m not great at small talk and people have often thought of me as a snob. And my sister has told me a few times how the way I’ve acted to someone wasn’t nice – and I was trying to be nice (!) though I could see how when they said so the other would have perceived it. Shyness and anxiety can often be mistaken for snobbiness and control. Just a thought.

    Being kind can never go wrong. ‘cast your bread unto the waters…’

    Love, light and glitter

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s very lucky of you to never have met someone intentionally rude.

      Yes, the same had been said about me. It’s so strange when I actually try to be nice and am told that it comes across as not so. I think you’re spot on.

      Liked by 1 person

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